Headnote
"A Short Anatomy of Man" appeared in 1883, when Chekhov – twenty-three, still a medical student at Moscow University, and already the most prolific contributor to the comic weeklies under the signature Antosha Chekhonte – was turning out this kind of column-filler by the score for magazines like Oskolki and Zritel. The piece belongs to a favorite early form: the mock reference article, here a parody of a textbook or encyclopedia entry, moving head to heels through the human body the way an anatomy primer would, but replacing every clinical fact with a joke.
The medical training shows. Chekhov was two years from his degree when he wrote this, and the sketch’s structure – skeleton, head, face, forehead, down to legs and heels – follows the order of a real dissection manual, right down to the feldsher’s slang and the wardroom vocabulary ("gives a reaction to copper,an organ not yet investigated by science"). The comedy runs on collision: each entry opens in the flat, authoritative diction of a handbook and then swerves into bureaucratic satire, social type, or plain wordplay – the forehead’s two "functions" (petitioning favors, then taking the wall on refusal), the heart as a coaching inn billeting soldiers, civilians, and a husband, the belly that only grows in with the rank of court councillor. The joke about rank and belly turns on the Table of Ranks that governed the Russian civil service: a state councillor without the girth to match his office is, in the sketch’s own pun, not fully in office at all.
A few entries lean on period furniture that a reader may want named without a note breaking the page: the "district police officer," the church-Slavonic distinction between a cleric’s decorous "physiognomy" and everyone else’s mug, the corset trade, the ensigns who read fashion magazines meant for women. The Latin tag on the tongue is Chekhov’s own flourish, attributed to Cicero, glossed in the source parenthetically as the piece’s one moment of mock erudition amid the slang.
Nothing here asks to be taken as anything but disposable comic copy – and that is exactly its interest. It shows the twenty-three-year-old Chekhonte’s hand: economical, quick, already trusting a plain declarative sentence to carry the whole joke, decades before the same economy would carry The Lady with the Dog.
Translation Original
1 A seminarian was asked at his examination: "What is Man?" He answered: "An animal"... And, thinking a moment, added: "but... a rational one"... The enlightened examiners agreed only with the second half of the answer, and for the first gave him a failing mark.
Одного семинариста спросили на экзамене: "Что такое человек?" Он отвечал: "Животное"... И, подумав немного, прибавил: "но... разумное"... Просвещенные экзаменаторы согласились только со второй половиной ответа, за первую же влепили единицу.
2 Man, as an anatomical given, is composed of:
Человека как анатомическое данное составляют:
3 The skeleton, or, as
feldshers and lady superintendents call it, the "skellington." Has the look of death. Covered with a sheet, it "scares you to death"; without the sheet, not quite to death.
Скелет, или, как говорят
фельдшера и классные дамы, "шкилет". Имеет вид смерти. Покрытый простынею, "пужает насмерть", без простыни же – не насмерть.
4 Everyone has a head, but not everyone needs one. In the opinion of some, it is given for thinking; in the opinion of others, for wearing a hat. The second opinion is the less risky one... Sometimes contains brain matter. A
district police officer, present once at the autopsy of a man who had died suddenly, caught sight of the brain. "What’s that?" he asked the doctor. "That’s what one thinks with," the doctor answered. The police officer smiled contemptuously...
Голова имеется у всякого, но не всякому нужна. По мнению одних, дана для того, чтобы думать, по мнению других – для того, чтобы носить шляпу. Второе мнение не так рискованно... Иногда содержит в себе мозговое вещество. Один околоточный надзиратель, присутствуя однажды на вскрытии скоропостижно умершего, увидал мозг. "Это что такое?" – спросил он доктора. – "Это то, чем думают", – отвечал доктор. Околоточный презрительно усмехнулся...
5 The face. The mirror of the soul, but not among lawyers. Has a great many synonyms: mug, physiognomy (among the clergy, physiognomy proper and countenance), phiz, phizmug, ugly-face, image, snout, mush, and so on.
Лицо. Зеркало души, но только не у адвокатов. Имеет множество синонимов: морда, физиономия (у духовенства – физиогномия и лице), физия, физиомордия, рожество, образина, рыло, харя и проч.
6 The forehead. Its functions: to knock against the floor in the petitioning of blessings, and to beat against the wall on their non-receipt. Very often gives a reaction to copper.
Лоб. Его функции: стучать о пол при испрошении благ и биться о стену при неполучении этих благ. Очень часто дает реакцию на медь.
7 The eyes – the head’s police superintendents. They watch and take note. A blind man is like a city from which the authorities have departed. In days of sorrow, they weep. In these present carefree times, they weep only from tender feeling.
Глаза – полицеймейстеры головы. Блюдут и на ус мотают. Слепой подобен городу, из которого выехало начальство. В дни печалей плачут. В нынешние, беспечальные, времена плачут только от умиления.
8 The nose is given for colds and for smelling. Does not meddle in politics. Occasionally participates in raising the tobacco excise, for which it may be reckoned among the useful organs. Sometimes turns red, but not from freethinking – so, at least, knowledgeable people suppose.
Нос дан для насморков и обоняния. В политику не вмешивается. Изредка участвует в увеличении табачного акциза, чего ради и может быть причислен к полезным органам. Бывает красен, но не от вольнодумства – так полагают, по крайней мере, сведущие люди.
9 The tongue. According to
Cicero:
hostis hominum et amicus diaboli feminarumque \enemy of men and friend of
the devil and of women (Lat.).\. Since denunciations began to be written on paper, it has been left without a post. In women and in serpents it serves as an organ of pleasant pastime. The best tongue is a boiled one.
Язык. По
Цицерону: hostis hominum et amicus diaboli feminarumque враг людей и друг дьявола и женщин (лат.).. С тех пор, как доносы стали писаться на бумаге, остался за штатом. У женщин и змей служит органом приятного времяпрепровождения. Самый лучший язык – вареный.
10 The nape of the neck is needed only by peasants, against the accumulation of arrears. An organ highly tempting to hands that have taken to swinging.
Затылок нужен одним только мужикам на случай накопления недоимки. Орган для расходившихся рук крайне соблазнительный.
11 The ears. Fond of door-cracks, open windows, tall grass, and thin fences.
Уши. Любят дверные щели, открытые окна, высокую траву и тонкие заборы.
12 The hands. They write feuilletons, play the violin, catch, take, lead, plant, strike... In the very small, they serve as a means of subsistence; in those somewhat larger, for telling the right side from the left.
Руки. Пишут фельетоны, играют на скрипке, ловят, берут, ведут, сажают, бьют... У маленьких служат средством пропитания, у тех, кто побольше, – для отличия правой стороны от левой.
13 The heart – receptacle of patriotic and many other feelings. In women – a coaching inn: the ventricles are occupied by the military, the atria by civilians, the apex by the husband. Has the shape of the ace of hearts.
Сердце – вместилище патриотических и многих других чувств. У женщин – постоялый двор: желудочки заняты военными, предсердия – штатскими, верхушка – мужем. Имеет вид червонного туза.
14 The waist. The Achilles’ heel of the readers of
Fashionable World, of artists’ models, of seamstresses, and of idealistic ensigns. A favorite feminine spot among young suitors and among... corset salesmen. The second point of assault in the amorous explanatory offensive. The first is reckoned to be the kiss.
Талия. Ахиллесова пятка читательниц
"Модного света", натурщиц, швеек и прапорщиков-идеалистов. Любимое женское место у молодых женихов и у... продавцов корсетов. Второй наступательный пункт при любовно-объяснительной атаке. Первым считается поцелуй.
15 The little belly. An organ not innate but acquired. Begins to grow with the rank of
court councillor. A
state councillor without a little belly is no
true state councillor. (A pun?! Ha, ha!) In ranks below court councillor it is called a belly; among merchants, a gut; among merchants’ wives, a womb.
16 The flanks. An organ not yet investigated by science. In the opinion of doorkeepers, located somewhat below the chest; in the opinion of sergeant-majors, somewhat above the stomach.
Микитки. Орган в науке не исследованный. По мнению дворников, находится пониже груди, по мнению фельдфебелей – повыше живота.
17 The legs grow from the place for which nature invented the birch rod. Much employed by postmen, debtors, reporters, and messengers.
Ноги растут из того места, ради которого природа березу придумала. В большом употреблении у почталионов, должников, репортеров и посыльных.
18 The heels. The dwelling-place of the soul in a husband caught at fault, in a townsman who has let slip too much, and in a warrior fleeing the field of battle.
Пятки. Местопребывание души у провинившегося мужа, проговорившегося обывателя и воина, бегущего с поля брани.
