Stories · 1885

The Competition

Конкурс

Headnote

1 The Competition (“Konkurs” in the original) appeared in 1885 in Oskolki (Splinters), the St. Petersburg humor weekly that published a large share of Chekhov’s earliest work. It is a miniature in the mock-document vein he returned to often in these years: not a story with characters and a plot so much as a parody of a genre of print – here, the kind of gimmicky competition notice a magazine might run to attract submissions and readers. The joke is entirely in the deadpan bureaucratic voice: a "prize" that amounts to a photograph, a certificate, and a token subscription; a set of pseudo-official "conditions" that walk the aspiring love-letter writer through every stock sentiment and cliché of the genre (jealousy of imaginary rivals, inquiries about the dowry, professions of suffering) as though laying out a form to be filled in; and a mock-Latin legal phrase misspelled for good measure. The final touch – that the judges will be ladies – closes the piece with a wink at its own premise.

The text is brief and self-contained, and no ethnic slurs or other offensive language appear in the source.

The editorial board of Oskolki announces a competition for a prize.
Редакция "Осколков" объявляет конкурс на премию.
Whoever writes the best love letter shall receive, as his reward: a photograph of a pretty woman; a certificate (signed by the editor and the judges of the competition) attesting that so-and-so, on such-and-such a date, emerged victorious in the competition; and the right to be enrolled among the free subscribers of the present year or the coming one, as he prefers. In addition, the letter, once printed in Oskolki, will earn its author 15 kopecks a line.
Кто напишет лучшее любовное письмо, тот в награду получит: фотографию хорошенькой женщины, свидетельство (за подписью редактора и судей конкурса) в том, что такой-то, тогда-то вышел победителем на конкурсе, и право быть записанным в число даровых подписчиков настоящего или будущего года, смотря по желанию. Кроме того, письмо, напечатанное в "Осколках", даст его автору 15 коп. со строки.
Conditions of the competition: 1) Only persons of the male sex may take part in the competition. 2) The letter must be sent to the editorial offices of Oskolki no later than the 1st of March of this year, and must be furnished with the author’s address and surname. 3) In the letter the author declares his love; proves that he is truly in love and suffering; draws, along the way and as it happens to come up, a parallel between mere infatuation and true love; describes his new sensations, without going in for any deep analysis; asks for her hand; is jealous of Mr. X and Mr. Z; describes the torments he endures at the very thought of being refused; pays his respects to her papa and mama; delicately and cautiously inquires after the dowry – and all this in no more than 50 lines. 4) Gonditio sine qua non: An indispensable condition (Latin). the author must be literary, decorous, tender, playful, and poetic. Whining, false classicism, and bad verse will not be admitted. That is all.
Условия конкурса: 1) Участниками конкурса могут быть только лица мужеского пола. 2) Письмо должно быть прислано в редакцию "Осколков" не позже 1 марта сего года и снабжено адресом и фамилией автора. 3) В письме автор объясняется в любви; доказывает, что он действительно влюблен и страдает; проводит тут же, кстати, параллель между простым увлечением и настоящею любовью; описывает свои новые ощущения, не вдаваясь в глубокий анализ; просит руки; ревнует к Иксу и Зету; описывает муки, какие терпит он при одной только мысли об отказе; кланяется ее папаше и мамаше; тонко и осторожно справляется о приданом и... всё это не более как в 50 строках. 4) Gonditio sine qua non: Непременное условие (лат.). автор должен быть литературен, приличен, нежен, игрив и поэтичен. Нытье, ложный классицизм и плохие стихи не допускаются. Вот и всё.
The judges to be appointed will be ladies.
Судьями будут назначены дамы.
Notes
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