Headnote
"On March" appeared in 1884, one of a run of short calendar-month squibs the young Chekhov turned out for the comic press under the Antosha Chekhonte byline. The conceit is a mock encyclopedia entry: the Roman god Mars is processed through the bureaucratic apparatus of Imperial Russia, complete with a service record, a rank in the table of ranks, and a calling card reading "Staff-Captain Mars, God of War." Venus gets the same treatment a few lines later – goddess of love reduced to an object of an official biographical sketch, patroness of hairdressers and literature teachers.
The piece belongs to a small cluster of these calendar humoresques (alongside pieces on April, May, June and July) that let Chekhov drill a single joke – classical mythology filtered through Russian civil and military officialdom – at high speed. D. I. Ilovaisky’s history textbook, invoked in the opening line, was the standard schoolroom text of the day; N. P. Gilyarov-Platonov was a well-known conservative journalist and philologist, dragged in purely for the pun on "Hilaria." Dr. Veniamin Tarnovsky was a real St. Petersburg physician specializing in venereal disease, which explains his unlikely appearance among Venus’s clients. Nikolai Karamzin’s etymological guess about the old Slavic name for March, "Berezozol," gets its own deflating footnote: schoolboys who have been switched with birch rods know a better etymology than the historian’s.
What holds the piece together, for all its density of topical reference, is Chekhov’s already-practiced comic timing: the flat, official diction applied to gods and love affairs, the throwaway double meanings, the refusal to pause for explanation. Later readers need the notes the joke’s first audience didn’t; the comedy survives the century of distance intact.
Translation Original
1 The month of March took its name from
Mars, who, if we are to believe
Месяц март получил свое название от
Марса, который, если верить
2 Ilovaisky’s textbook, was the god of war. The service record of this sweetheart of a military man
учебнику
Иловайского, был богом войны. Формулярный список этого душки-военного
3 has been lost, and so almost nothing is known of his personality. Judging by the nature of his
затерян, а посему о личности его почти ничего не известно. Судя по характеру его
4 amorous enterprises and the credit he enjoyed with
Bacchus, one must think
амурных предприятий и кредиту, которым пользовался он у
Бахуса, следует думать,
5 that he, holding the post of god of war, was attached to the army infantry and held
что он, занимая должность бога войны, был причислен к армейской пехоте и имел
6 a rank no lower than staff-captain. His
calling card most likely read:
чин не ниже штабс-капитана. Визитная карточка его была, вероятно, такова:
7 "Staff-Captain Mars, God of War." Consequently, March is the month of military men and of all those
"Штабс-капитан Марс, бог войны". Стало быть, март есть месяц военных и всех тех,
8 who have some connection with the military department: commissary officers, army doctors,
кои к военному ведомству прикосновенность имеют: интендантов, военных врачей,
9 battle-painters, boarding-school girls, and so on. He is entered in the table of ranks as the third
батальных художников, институток и проч. Числится в штате о рангах третьим
10 month of the year and has, with the permission of his superiors, 31 days. In this month the Romans
месяцем в году и имеет с дозволения начальства 31 день. Римляне в этом месяце
12 Гилярова-Платонова и богини Цибеллы.
Цибеллой называлась богиня земли. Из ее
13 birth record it appears that she was the daughter of the Sun, wife of
Saturn, mother
метрической выписи явствует, что она была дочкой Солнца, женою
Сатурна, матерью
14 of
Jupiter – in a word, a personage of such astronomical standing as to be entitled to government
Юпитера, – одним словом, особой астрономической, имеющей право на казенную
16 the veterinary art. She was, then, both a musician and a horse-doctor –
ветеринарное искусство. Была, стало быть, и музыкантшей и коновалом –
17 a combination unknown to present-day female musicians. In this same month the Romans
комбинация, современным музыкантшам неизвестная. В этом же месяце римляне
18 also celebrated the name-day of
Venus, goddess of love, of marriage (legitimate and
праздновали и именины
Венеры, богини любви, брака (законного и незаконного),
19 illegitimate), of beauty, of bustles, and of mercury ointments. This Venus was born of sea foam, in just the same
красоты, турнюров и ртутных мазей. Родилась эта Венера из пены морской таким же
20 way our young ladies are born of muslin. She was the wife of the lame
Vulcan,
образом, как наши барышни родятся из кисеи. Была женою хромого
Вулкана,
21 who minted counterfeit coin for the gods and wove fine nets for catching brave
чеканившего для богов фальшивую монету и делавшего тонкие сети для ловли храбрых
22 lovers. She was kept by all the gods and loved, disinterestedly, only one
любовников. Состояла на содержании у всех богов и бескорыстно любила одного
23 – Mars. When the gods bored her, she would come down to earth and strike up
только Марса. Когда ей надоедали боги, она сходила на землю и заводила здесь
24 affairs with officials of the civil department:
Aeneas,
Adonis, and others.
интрижки с чиновниками гражданского ведомства:
Энеем,
Адонисом и другими.
25 She is the patroness of ladies’ hairdressers, teachers of literature, and of Dr.
Покровительствует дамским парикмахерам, учителям словесности и доктору
26 Tarnovsky. On her March feast-day cats and schoolboys were sacrificed to her,
Тарновскому. В мартовский праздник ей приносили в жертву котов и гимназистов,
27 who as a rule begin falling in love starting in March. Among our ancestors March was called
начинающих влюбляться обыкновенно с марта. У наших предков март назывался
28 Berezozol.
Karamzin thought that our ancestors burned birch charcoal in March,
Березозолом.
Карамзин думал, что наши предки жгли в марте березовый уголь,
29 whence, in his opinion, the nickname Berezozol arose. But people who have been
откуда, по его мнению, и произошло прозвище Березозол. Люди же, которых много
30 birched a great deal know that this word comes from "birch" and "zloi," for never
секли, знают, что это слово происходит от слова "береза" и "зла", ибо никогда
31 does the birch work so angrily and energetically as before examinations. In our Nestor’s
береза не работает так зло и энергично, как перед экзаменами. У нашего
Нестора 32 chronicle March was the first month of the year. Among the Romans too.
март был первым месяцем в году. У римлян тоже.
