A Guide for Those Wishing to Marry. (Secret)

A GUIDE FOR THOSE WISHING TO MARRY

(Secret)

Inasmuch as the subject of this article constitutes a masculine secret and demands a serious mental exertion of which a great many ladies are incapable, I request fathers, husbands, precinct constables and so forth to see to it that ladies and young ladies do not read this article. This guide is not the fruit of a single mind, but the quintessence of all existing oracles, physiognomies and kabbalistics, and of many years of conversation with experienced husbands and with the most competent proprietresses of dressmaking establishments.

Introduction. – Family life has many good sides. Were there no such thing, daughters would hang round their fathers’ necks all their lives and many musicians would be left without bread, since there would then be no weddings. Medicine teaches that bachelors usually die insane, whereas married men die before they have had time to go out of their minds. A bachelor has his tie knotted for him by the maid, a married man by his wife. Marriage is also good for being within everyone’s reach. The rich may marry, and the poor, the blind, the young, the old, the healthy, the sick, Russians, Chinese men... The only exceptions are the demented and the mad; fools, blockheads and brutes, on the other hand, may marry as much as they please.

Guide I. – In courting a young lady, attend first of all to her outward appearance, for it is by the outward appearance that a person’s character is known. In the appearance distinguish: the color of the hair and of the eyes, the height, the walk, and the distinguishing marks. By hair color women are divided into blondes, brunettes, chestnut-haired and so forth. Blondes are usually well-conducted, modest, sentimental; they love papa and mama, weep over novels and pity animals. In character they are straightforward, in their convictions strictly conservative, and on poor terms with the letter Ъ. To other people’s love affairs they are keenly attentive; in their own love they are as cold as fish. At the most impassioned moment a blonde may yawn and say: “Mustn’t forget to send for the calico tomorrow!” Once married, they soon turn sour, grow fat and wilt. Fertile, fond of children and tearful. They do not forgive their husbands infidelity, but are themselves unfaithful readily enough. Blonde wives are usually mystical, suspicious, and consider themselves martyrs. Brunettes are not so level-headed as blondes. They are restless, inconstant, capricious, quick-tempered; they quarrel often with their mamas and slap their maids’ faces. They begin “paying no attention” to horrid men as early as twelve, study badly, hate their form mistresses, love novels – skipping the descriptions of nature and reading the declarations of love five times over. They are ardent, passionate, and love with abandon, headlong, gasping for breath... A brunette wife is a whole Inquisition. On the one hand, passion enough to sicken the devils; on the other – caprices, finery, reckless logic, shrieking, squealing... They make their peace quickly with their husbands’ infidelity, paying them back in the same coin. The chestnut-haired have not got away from the blondes and have not arrived at the brunettes. They constitute something midway between the one and the other. They consider themselves brunettes. Redheads are sly, mendacious, spiteful, treacherous... Love without treachery is beyond their understanding. They are usually very well built and have magnificent pink skin over their whole body. It is said that devils and wood demons are obliged to marry redheads. Where there is falsehood, there is cowardice and pusillanimity. It is enough to shout at a redhead properly (“I’ll teach you!”) for her to curl up into a ball and come climbing over to be kissed. Do not forget that Messalina and Nana were redheads. The coiffure, too, is of no small importance in the choice of a wife. Hair combed smooth, slicked down, with a white parting, signifies simplicity, a narrowness of desires... Such a coiffure is most often found on seamstresses, shopwomen and merchants’ daughters. A trimmed lock of hair let down over the forehead signifies fussy pettiness, narrowness of mind and lustfulness. With this lock they are usually trying to hide a narrow forehead... A chignon, and ornaments made of other people’s hair generally, speak for bad taste, a want of imagination, and the fact that mama has had a hand in the coiffure. Hair combed from back to front presumes in a woman the wish to please not only from in front but also from behind. Such a coiffure, if it is not crowned by a heavy tower of Babel, signifies taste and a light disposition. Curling hair speaks for playfulness and an artistic nature. A careless, disheveled coiffure presumes doubt or laziness of soul. Beneath cropped hair a cast of mind lies hidden. If a woman is gray or bald and at the same time wishes to marry, it means she has a great deal of money. The fewer hairpins in the coiffure, the more inventive the woman, and the more certain it is that the hair is her own. Now as to the color of the eyes. Blue eyes with a languid film signify fidelity, submissiveness and meekness. Blue eyes that bulge are found most often in women card-sharps and women for sale. Black eyes signify ardor, quickness of temper and treachery. Note that intelligent women rarely have black eyes. Gray eyes belong to fashion-plates, gigglers and little fools. Brown ones presume a love of gossip and envy of other women’s finery. As to height, choose the middling. Tall women are on the coarse side and hit hard, while small ones are in most cases fidgets and are fond of squealing, scratching and needling. Avoid hunchbacks: these are spiteful and venomous. A hurried walk, with backward glances, tells of flightiness and frivolity. A lazy walk is found in women whose heart is already taken – there you will get no dinner. A ducklike walk, with a waddle and a wagging of the bustle, is a sign of good nature, pliancy and sometimes stupidity. A proud, swanlike walk is found in ladies of that sort and in kept women. The haughtier the walk, the older and richer the protector. In unmarried girls such a walk signifies self-conceit and narrowness. If a lady does not walk but sails along like a peahen, turn your cart around: she will feed you and console you, but she will infallibly have you under her heel. Distinguishing marks are not numerous. Dimples in the cheeks signify coquetry, secret little sins and good nature. Dimples in the cheeks together with narrowed eyes promise much, but not for a Platonist. A little moustache tells of barrenness. Long nails are found on the lily-handed. Eyebrows that run together signify that the specimen in question will be a strict mother and a rabid mother-in-law. Freckles are most often observed on red-haired she-devils, on slaves and on little fools. Plump, dough-soft young ladies with puffy cheeks and red hands are naive and still make four mistakes in the word еще, but on the other hand they quickly learn to bake tasty pies and to sew velvet waistcoats for their husbands.

Guide II. – Don’t you dare marry without a dowry. To marry without a dowry is the same as honey without a spoon, Shmul without sidelocks, boots without soles. Love is one thing, the dowry another. Ask for 200,000 straight off. Having stunned them with the figure, begin to haggle, to make difficulties, to spin things out. Take the dowry without fail before the wedding. Do not accept promissory notes, coupons or shares, and every hundred-rouble note you should feel, sniff and hold up to the light, for cases are not rare in which parents give counterfeit money away with their daughters. Besides money, bargain as many goods as you can out of them. A wife, even a bad one, must bring with her: a) as much furniture as possible, and a grand piano; b) one featherbed of swan’s down and three quilts: silk, wool and cotton; c) two fur cloaks, one for holidays, the other for weekdays; d) as much tea, kitchen and dinner ware as possible; e) 18 chemises of the best Holland linen, with trimming; 6 camisoles of the same linen with lace trimming; 6 camisoles of nainsook; 6 pairs of drawers of the same linen and as many pairs of English chiffon; 6 petticoats of madapollam with insertions and edgings; a peignoir of the best batiste-victoria; 4 half-peignoirs of batiste-victoria; 6 pairs of dimity drawers. Sheets, pillowcases, caps, stockings, flannelette petticoats, garters, tablecloths, handkerchiefs and so forth must be there in sufficient quantity. Inspect all of it yourself, count it, and whatever is short of the mark, demand at once. Do not take baby linen, for there is a saying: if there is linen there are no children, if there are children there is no linen; f) instead of dresses, whose cut soon changes, demand cloth by the bolt; g) do not marry without table silver.

Once married, be strict and just with your wife, do not let her forget herself, and at every misunderstanding say to her: “Do not forget that I have made you happy!”