Stories · 1883

The Congress of Naturalists in Philadelphia

Съезд естествоиспытателей в филадельфии (статья научного содержания)

Headnote

1 Published in 1883, one of the miniature “news items” the young Chekhov turned out at speed for the comic weeklies over the signature “Antosha Chekhonte.” It takes the form of a dispatch from a scientific congress – a genre the humor magazines of the day used constantly, since a fake proceedings-report let a writer parody both the pomposity of learned bodies and the credulous foreign-news digests that Russian papers translated wholesale from the Western press. The dateline “Philadelphia” places it, tongue in cheek, at one remove from Russia: the congress is American, the joke is Russian.

2 The immediate target is the vulgarized reception of Darwin, still a live controversy a year after his death: a “paper” on human descent collapses at once into a mock-legal absurdity, with the monkey formally blamed for the existence of criminals and the matter referred to a prosecutor. The telephone – a genuine novelty of the early 1880s – supplies the sketch’s running sight gag: an assembly so self-important that its own hall is wired for remote listening, and so squeamish that the receiver itself must be stuffed shut before an unpleasant vote.

3 The closing run of national jokes (Russian from the magpie, Jew from the fox, Englishman from the frozen fish) trades on a stock nineteenth-century form, the comic ethnography of national character. The glancing reference to the “Bush and Makshev trials” points to notorious contemporary criminal cases whose lurid coverage had made Russian courtroom reporting a byword for scandal; the joke is that a learned congress finds a slur on the Russian character easier to credit than not, given what the newspapers have just been printing about Russians. The signature “(Times)” at the close is part of the parody: a fabricated dispatch dressed, to the last, as a translation from the English press.

(An article of a scientific character)
(Статья научного содержания)
The first paper read was “On the Origin of Man,” dedicated to the memory of Darwin. Since the assembly hall is connected by telephone, the paper was read in a whisper. The honorable reader of the paper declared that he agreed entirely with Darwin. The monkey is to blame for everything. He said that had there been no monkey, there would have been no people, and where there are no people, there are no criminals either. The congress resolved unanimously: to express to the monkey its displeasure and to bring the whole matter to the attention of the prosecutor (!). Among the objections raised, the following stand out:
Первым читался реферат "О происхождении человека", посвященный памяти Дарвина. Ввиду того, что зала заседания соединена телефоном, реферат этот читался шёпотом. Почтенный референт заявил, что он вполне соглашается с Дарвином. Виновата во всем обезьяна. Он сказал, что не будь обезьяны, не было бы людей, а где нет людей, там нет и преступников. Съезд единогласно порешил: выразить обезьяне свое неудовольствие и довести обо всем до сведения г. прокурора (!). Из возражений наиболее выдаются следующие:
1. The French delegate, while agreeing entirely with the congress’s opinion, does not, however, find the means to clarify for himself the possibility of descent from the monkey of such extreme types as the triumphant pig and the weeping crocodile. In stating this, the honorable opponent displayed before the congress images of a triumphant pig and a weeping crocodile. The congress was brought to a standstill and resolved: to postpone the decision of this question to the next session, and, before deciding it, to stuff something into the telephone receiver.
1. Французский делегат, вполне соглашаясь с мнением съезда, не находит, однако, способов уяснить себе возможность происхождения от обезьяны таких резких типов, как торжествующая свинья и плачущий крокодил. Заявляя об этом, почтенный оппонент демонстрировал перед съездом изображения торжествующей свиньи и плачущего крокодила. Съезд был приведен в тупик и постановил: отложить решение этого вопроса до следующей сессии и перед решением его заткнуть чем-нибудь телефонную трубку.
2. The German delegate, who is also the foreign correspondent of the newspaper Rus, is more inclined to think that man descended from the monkey and the parrot, from both together. All of mankind, in his opinion, is perishing from the imitation of foreigners. (From the telephone receiver comes a hum of approval.)
2. Германский делегат, он же и иностранный корреспондент газеты "Русь", склонен скорей думать, что человек произошел от обезьяны и попугая, от обоих вместе. Всё человечество, по его мнению, гибнет от подражания иностранцам. (Из телефонной трубки слышен гул одобрения.)
3. The Belgian delegate agrees with the congress only in part, for, in his opinion, by no means all peoples descended from the monkey. Thus the Russian descended from the magpie, the Jew from the fox, the Englishman from the frozen fish. He proves the descent of the Russian from the magpie rather ingeniously. The congress, still under the impression of the Bush and Makshev trials, found it not difficult to agree with this last piece of proof... (“Times”)
3. Бельгийский делегат согласен со съездом только относительно, ибо, по его мнению, далеко не все народы произошли от обезьяны. Так, русский произошел от сороки, еврей от лисицы, англичанин от замороженной рыбы. Довольно оригинально доказывает он происхождение русского от сороки. Съезду, находившемуся под впечатлением бушевских и макшеевских процессов, не трудно было согласиться с последним доказательством... ("Times").

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