Headnote
1
Woman from a Drunkard’s Point of View (“Zhenshchina s tochki zreniya pyanitsy”) is a brief comic squib from 1884, one of the many miniature humoresques Chekhov turned out for the popular press in these years while still signing much of his work with joke pseudonyms. It belongs to a favorite low genre of the period’s humor magazines: the mock taxonomy, in which some unlikely subject is classified with pseudo-scientific precision for comic effect.
Here the conceit is a drinker’s wine list. Chekhov catalogues woman as an untaxed intoxicant, first by age – distilled water at sixteen, ripening through Chablis, Tokay, and champagne, souring at last into fusel oil – and then by marital and social role, from the wife’s seltzer water to the mother-in-law’s pickle brine to the old maid’s lemon without the cognac. The joke depends entirely on the reader supplying the barroom logic the narrator withholds: each comparison is really a verdict on temperament, desirability, or use, dressed up as a note on vintage and proof. The piece closes, in the source, on a bare heading for editorial notes.
Translation Original
1 Woman is an intoxicating product which no one has yet
Женщина есть опьяняющий продукт, который до сих пор еще не
2 thought to subject to an excise tax. In case anyone should ever think of it,
догадались обложить акцизным сбором. На случай, если когда-нибудь догадаются,
3 I offer here an estimate of the said product’s strength at the various
предлагаю смету крепости означенного продукта в различные периоды его
4 periods of its existence, taking as my basis not a count of degrees, but a comparison with
существования, беря в основу не количество градусов, а сравнение его с более или
5 more or less well-known beverages;
менее известными напитками;
6 Woman up to age 16 – distilled water.
Женщина до 16 лет – дистиллированная вода.
7 Age 16 –
Lanin’s fruit soda.
8 From 17 to 20 – Chablis and Chateau d’Yquem.
От 17 до 20 – шабли и шато д’икем.
10 From 23 to 26 – champagne.
От 23 до 26 – шампанское.
11 26 и 27 лет – мадера и херес.
12 28 –
cognac with a twist of lemon.
28 – коньяк с лимоном.
13 29, 30, 31, 32 – liqueurs.
29, 30, 31, 32 – ликеры.
14 From 32 to 35 – beer from the "
Vienna" brewery.
От 32 до 35 – пиво завода "Вена".
16 From 40 to 100 years – fusel oil.
От 40 до 100 лет – сивушное масло.
17 And if, instead of age, one takes marital status as the unit of measure,
Если же единицей меры взять не возраст, а семейное положение,
19 A wife – seltzer water.
Жена – зельтерская вода.
20 A mother-in-law – pickle brine.
Теща – огуречный рассол.
21 A charming stranger – a shot of vodka before breakfast.
Прелестная незнакомка – рюмка водки перед завтраком.
22 A young widow of 23 to 28 – muscat-lunel and marsala.
Вдовушка от 23 до 28 лет – мускат-люнель и марсала.
23 A widow past 28 – porter.
Вдовушка от 28 и далее – портер.
24 An old maid – lemon without the cognac.
Старая дева – лимон без коньяка.
25 A bride – rosewater.
Невеста – розовая вода.
26 An auntie – vinegar.
Тетенька – уксус.
27 All women taken together – the acidulated, sugared,
Все женщины, взятые вместе – подкисленное, подсахаренное,
